Not coping that well.... with John's death. (*BluTack)
I've never had someone I've been this close to die before. If I don't think about it, things seem okay for a few moments and then it all comes back and I start sobbing again.

I just wish there was something I could have done. I knew he was depressed, I knew he had tried to do it before. But he told me he was getting help... I didn't know he was still planning it.
I feel so guilty because I had been so busy lately and we hadn't talked as much. Last week was the busiest and I didn't have time to talk to him. I think the last thing I ever said to him was 'brb', I can't help thinking that maybe thats what tipped him over, that I didn't have time for him. Even if nothing could have been done because he made that choice... I wish I could have had a proper conversation with him before he was gone. I will forever regret that.

I can't handle thinking that I will never be able to talk to him again. He was such a good listener and was always there for me when I needed to talk about my problems. I wish he had opened up to me more and I was able to do for him what he did for me.

I feel so empty losing him, I really don't have any other close guy friends at the moment, and thats something I've always valued, I get on well with guys. Its partly because I'm still picking up my life from coming out of a 2 year relationship and then a very short traumatic one after that. When you've been in a longer relationship you are focused on your boyfriend and aren't as close to other guys. But its something I value, and since I'm planning on being single for maybe a year, its something I need.

So now I've lost the one close guy friend I had.

I've got extensions on my assignments and canceled most things this week. I'll still go to class on Thursday because I don't want to fall behind. My mum has talked to my teachers and stuff and they are understanding. She took me to the zoo yesterday as a distraction and calls me during the day to check up on me. I understand with my mental health background there is reason to be concern, but I don't have any suicidal thoughts myself, just complete agony at losing John.

I contacted sbaraci and asked for another DD to be given to John. They are going to do that tomorrow, which is also the day of his funeral. I felt like it was the only thing left to do for him, some sort of tribute, I want everyone to know how talented he was and what a great guy he is... was.

I did consider flying over to New Zealand for the funeral, his family said I was welcome to, but I think it would be too hard. If I fly over there... its supposed to be to visit him, not for his funeral. I wrote something that will be read at the funeral though.

For regular readers of my journal (though past journals are deleted), you may remember someone sent me all the Post Secret books because I wanted them. That was John...
One of this weeks post secrets speaks directly to me. Its exactly how I feel.








Every morning I'm waiting for the mail, hoping there is something from him.